Do you have to forgive someone
before they repent?
Must individuals apologize for their wrongdoings before I am able to grant forgiveness? Or is forgiveness always there? Do we have to forgive someone even if they believe they have done nothing wrong and show no signs of wanting to change?
I wish I could offer you a simple answer that works for all situations, but that's not the case. There are clear references to repentance in the Bible, the most clear and well-known being what Jesus said in Luke 17:3–4: "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him."
If the person who hurt us repents, we must forgive them. But what if they don't change their minds? No one talks about that. Jesus doesn't even say, "You can forgive them if they don't repent, but you don't have to."
Some say forgiveness is conditional, meaning you must apologize before being forgiven. They also point to how God has forgiven us. When we repent of our sins and put our faith in Jesus, God forgives us. Paul says in Ephesians 4 that we should forgive others as God in Christ forgave us. This makes it seem like he thought forgiveness was conditional, meaning that the person who did wrong had to first repent in order for it to happen. But if that's the case, why doesn't he talk about repentance?
But there are also texts where repentance is not mentioned, like what Paul says in Colossians 3:13. This is why many people say that we have to forgive all the time, even if the person who hurt us doesn't say they're sorry.
I don't have a simple answer to this question. But I am sure I can say a few things.
First, you have to forgive the person who hurt you if they say they're sorry. That is obvious.
Second, you must love, bless, and do good for those who wronged you, even if they never repent. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." (Matt. 5:44). In Romans 12, Paul says, "Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." (vv. 14, 20-21).
Third, this makes me want to make a difference between internal forgiveness and external forgiveness. When I refer to "internal" forgiveness, I mean the decision to refrain from seeking revenge or harboring anger and hatred towards the person in your heart. This occurs when the Spirit transforms your feelings towards the person who hurt you, shifting from anger and a desire for revenge to love and prayer for them. You are choosing to let them go free when they should be punished. You are not letting your heart stay angry and bitter toward that person. But all of this happens inside. You don't have to tell them or anyone else about it.
You are still fighting with the person who did something wrong when you do that. They haven't asked for forgiveness, and they think it's unnecessary. We should still bless them, and that blessing means that we have forgiven them in our hearts. After all, holding a grudge is the opposite of forgiving, but blessing is the opposite of holding a grudge, so blessing is a kind of forgiving.
The memorial service for Charlie Kirk is a wonderful recent example of internal forgiveness. The man who is accused of murder is in jail waiting for his trial, but he hasn't shown any signs of remorse or confessed to the crime. But Erika Kirk, Charlie's widow, says, "I forgive him," with tears streaming down her face.
However, forgiveness from others presents a completely different challenge. You need to say to them, "I forgive you in my heart and let you go of any pain you might deserve for sinning against me." I won't ask God to punish you for what you did. I won't try to make you pay for the wrongs you did to me. I won't use your sin against you anymore or hold it over your head. And I will work hard in God's grace to fix our relationship and bring us back together.
Internal forgiveness is always there. After all, why would you want to spend the rest of your life angry, bitter, and unable to forgive? You are not required to take any action toward the individual who wronged you in order to forgive them internally.
On the other hand, external forgiveness is not always given. It can only be extended if the person really feels remorseful about the wrongs they did to you. You don't have to trust them or make it easy for them to hurt you again.
You are not required to reconcile with them in order to forgive them. You may want to make up, but you don't have to try to do so. It may be risky to try that, especially if they have proven untrustworthy.
On the other hand, external forgiveness is almost the same as reconciliation. It occurs when both you and the person who hurt you agree to work on your relationship. But that won't happen until they change their minds. It won't be simple to get trust back. It needs time.
One last question: What did Jesus mean when he said, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6:14-15)?
These verses are from a sermon by Jesus, and I am sobered to learn that no one is a true Christian or destined for heaven if they are ungrateful and unforgiving. Jesus would say, "If you accept My forgiveness, you must forgive."
If the forgiveness we received through the blood of Jesus Christ is so ineffective in our hearts that we are determined to hold onto grudges and bitterness, we are not saved. We don't value this forgiveness. We don't believe in this forgiveness. We don't accept and value this forgiveness.
If the sins done to you have hurt you so much that you think you can't forgive, think about the wounds Jesus suffered for you. He did it willingly and with love. If that forgiveness secured for you by the blood of Jesus is so ineffective in our hearts that we are bent on withholding forgiveness and instead nurturing grudges and bitterness against those who’ve hurt us, we are unsaved.
I wish I could offer you a simple answer that works for all situations, but that's not the case. There are clear references to repentance in the Bible, the most clear and well-known being what Jesus said in Luke 17:3–4: "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him."
If the person who hurt us repents, we must forgive them. But what if they don't change their minds? No one talks about that. Jesus doesn't even say, "You can forgive them if they don't repent, but you don't have to."
Some say forgiveness is conditional, meaning you must apologize before being forgiven. They also point to how God has forgiven us. When we repent of our sins and put our faith in Jesus, God forgives us. Paul says in Ephesians 4 that we should forgive others as God in Christ forgave us. This makes it seem like he thought forgiveness was conditional, meaning that the person who did wrong had to first repent in order for it to happen. But if that's the case, why doesn't he talk about repentance?
But there are also texts where repentance is not mentioned, like what Paul says in Colossians 3:13. This is why many people say that we have to forgive all the time, even if the person who hurt us doesn't say they're sorry.
I don't have a simple answer to this question. But I am sure I can say a few things.
First, you have to forgive the person who hurt you if they say they're sorry. That is obvious.
Second, you must love, bless, and do good for those who wronged you, even if they never repent. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." (Matt. 5:44). In Romans 12, Paul says, "Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." (vv. 14, 20-21).
Third, this makes me want to make a difference between internal forgiveness and external forgiveness. When I refer to "internal" forgiveness, I mean the decision to refrain from seeking revenge or harboring anger and hatred towards the person in your heart. This occurs when the Spirit transforms your feelings towards the person who hurt you, shifting from anger and a desire for revenge to love and prayer for them. You are choosing to let them go free when they should be punished. You are not letting your heart stay angry and bitter toward that person. But all of this happens inside. You don't have to tell them or anyone else about it.
You are still fighting with the person who did something wrong when you do that. They haven't asked for forgiveness, and they think it's unnecessary. We should still bless them, and that blessing means that we have forgiven them in our hearts. After all, holding a grudge is the opposite of forgiving, but blessing is the opposite of holding a grudge, so blessing is a kind of forgiving.
The memorial service for Charlie Kirk is a wonderful recent example of internal forgiveness. The man who is accused of murder is in jail waiting for his trial, but he hasn't shown any signs of remorse or confessed to the crime. But Erika Kirk, Charlie's widow, says, "I forgive him," with tears streaming down her face.
However, forgiveness from others presents a completely different challenge. You need to say to them, "I forgive you in my heart and let you go of any pain you might deserve for sinning against me." I won't ask God to punish you for what you did. I won't try to make you pay for the wrongs you did to me. I won't use your sin against you anymore or hold it over your head. And I will work hard in God's grace to fix our relationship and bring us back together.
Internal forgiveness is always there. After all, why would you want to spend the rest of your life angry, bitter, and unable to forgive? You are not required to take any action toward the individual who wronged you in order to forgive them internally.
On the other hand, external forgiveness is not always given. It can only be extended if the person really feels remorseful about the wrongs they did to you. You don't have to trust them or make it easy for them to hurt you again.
You are not required to reconcile with them in order to forgive them. You may want to make up, but you don't have to try to do so. It may be risky to try that, especially if they have proven untrustworthy.
On the other hand, external forgiveness is almost the same as reconciliation. It occurs when both you and the person who hurt you agree to work on your relationship. But that won't happen until they change their minds. It won't be simple to get trust back. It needs time.
One last question: What did Jesus mean when he said, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6:14-15)?
These verses are from a sermon by Jesus, and I am sobered to learn that no one is a true Christian or destined for heaven if they are ungrateful and unforgiving. Jesus would say, "If you accept My forgiveness, you must forgive."
If the forgiveness we received through the blood of Jesus Christ is so ineffective in our hearts that we are determined to hold onto grudges and bitterness, we are not saved. We don't value this forgiveness. We don't believe in this forgiveness. We don't accept and value this forgiveness.
If the sins done to you have hurt you so much that you think you can't forgive, think about the wounds Jesus suffered for you. He did it willingly and with love. If that forgiveness secured for you by the blood of Jesus is so ineffective in our hearts that we are bent on withholding forgiveness and instead nurturing grudges and bitterness against those who’ve hurt us, we are unsaved.